A Music Snob’s Semi-Humorous Reactions to the 2014 VMA Winners

Video of the Year:

Iggy Azalea ft. Charli XCX – “Fancy”
Beyonce ft. JAY Z – “Drunk In Love”
Pharrell Williams – “Happy”
Sia – “Chandelier”
Miley Cyrus – “Wrecking Ball”

Seriously? She made out with a sledgehammer for three minutes. Crying on camera and being naked does not automatically constitute for art.

Who should have won: “Happy (1pm)”, because Tyler the Creator had the sickest dance moves. Likewise, it didn’t MAKE ME SICK TO WATCH!

(I asked my co-worker, Regina, about her thoughts on this one: “She won like a Wrecking Ball. She created an iconic image that will be burned into the minds of young children for much of their now dysfunctional adult lives.”)

 

Best Hip Hop:
Eminem – “Bezerk”
Drake ft. Majid Jordan – “Hold On (We’re Going Home)”
Childish Gambino – “3005”
Kanye West – “Black Skinhead”
Wiz Khalifa – “We Dem Boyz”

“Hold On” is not a hip-hop song. It’s a new-wave influenced pop song. Singing + using a drum machine ≠ hip hop. Why was he even put in this category?

Who Should have won: Any of the other artists.

 

Best Male:
Pharrell Williams – “Happy”
John Legend – “All Of Me”
Ed Sheeran ft. Pharrell – “Sing”
Sam Smith – “Stay With Me”
Eminem ft. Rihanna – “Monster”

I’m ok with this.

Who should have won: Sam Smith, because puppet Ed was just a tad too ridiculous for such a sexy song. Also, Sam Smith wasn’t blatantly promoting Beats.

 

Best Female:
Iggy Azalea ft. Charli XCX – “Fancy”
Beyonce – “Partition”
Lorde – “Royals”
Ariana Grande ft. Iggy Azalea – “Problem”
Katy Perry ft. Juicy J – “Dark Horse”

I’m not ever sure if I’m supposed to take Katy Perry’s music videos seriously, or if they’re made for comedic purposes, but the bright colors kind of hurt my eyes. She also has boring choreography, and steals ancient Egyptian art for her own use.

Who should have won: Queen B. Obviously.

 

Best Pop:
Pharrell Williams – “Happy”
Iggy Azalea ft. Charli XCX – “Fancy”
Jason Derulo ft. 2 Chainz – “Talk Dirty”
Ariana Grande ft. Iggy Azalea – “Problem”
Avicii ft. Aloe Blacc – “Wake Me Up”

My problems with the song itself aside, the music video just made me dizzy. From the black and white swirlies everywhere, to the rapid jump cuts of gyrating, shirtless male break dancers, I was not able to make it through the video without a minor headache.

Who should have won: “Happy (1pm)”, because Tyler the Creator was dancing in it. And who doesn’t love that goofball?

 

Best Rock:
Imagine Dragons – “Demons”
Arctic Monkeys – “Do I Wanna Know”
The Black Keys – “Fever”
Lorde – “Royals”
Linkin Park – “Until It’s Gone”

Because when I think rock music, I think three minute long catchy acapella tunes.

Who should have one: Lorde, because frankly she is giving mainstream pop a well needed dose of true, honest talent.

 

MTV Artist to Watch:
Sam Smith – “Stay With Me”
5 Seconds of Summer -“She Looks So Perfect”
Charli XCX – “Boom Clap”
Schoolboy Q – “Man Of The Year”
Fifth Harmony – “Miss Movin On”

STOP IT X-FACTOR. STOP IT. Last time you made a successful vocal group, we ended up with One Direction. We really don’t need a female One Direction, thank you very much.

Who should have one: Sam Smith, because “Stay With Me” gave me serious feels.

(Side rant: why do people keep saying 5 Seconds of Summer is “punk”?  For those of you who forgot what punk is, here’s a reminder https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ooIz_Di2w3g)

 

Best Collaboration:
Beyonce ft. JAY Z – “Drunk In Love”
Ariana Grande ft. Iggy Azalea – “Problem”
Pitbull ft. Ke$ha – “Timber”
Chris Brown ft. Lil Wayne and Tyga – “Loyal”
Eminem ft. Rihanna – “Monster”
Katy Perry ft. Juicy J – “Dark Horse”

Was there seriously any doubt that Jay and the Queen B wouldn’t win?

 

MTV Clubland Award:
DJ Snake & Lil Jon – “Turn Down For What”
Zedd ft. Hayley Williams – “Stay the Night”
Calvin Harris – “Summer”
Martin Garrix – “Animal”
Disclosure – “Grab Her!”

I don’t know what this award is even for. Ignoring it.

 

Best Video With a Social Message:
Angel Haze ft. SIA – “Battle Cry”
Avicii – “Hey Brother”
Beyonce – “Pretty Hurts”
J. Cole ft. TLC – “Crooked Smile”
Kelly Rowland – “Dirty Laundry”
David Guetta f/ Mikky Ekko – “One Voice”

Am I really going to make jokes about songs with important social messages? No, no I am not.

 

Best Cinematography:
30 Seconds to Mars – “City of Angels”
Beyonce – “Pretty Hurts”
Arcade Fire – “Afterlife”
Gesaffelstein – “Hate or Glory”
Lana Del Rey – “West Coast”

Once again, I’m not going to make jokes about a song that contains such an important message. Seriously, this video is important.

 

Best Editing:
Eminem – “Rap God”
MGMT – “Your Life is a Lie”
Zedd ft. Hayley Williams -“Stay the Night”
Beyonce – “Pretty Hurts”
Fitz and The Tantrums – “The Walker”

The editing cuts were almost as fast as Slim Shady’s rapping. Props to the editor for keeping up with that wordflow.

 

Best Choreography:
Sia – “Chandelier”
Beyonce – “Partition”
Usher – “Good Kisser”
Michael Jackson f/Justin Timberlake – “Love Never Felt So Good”
Jason Derulo f/2Chainz – “Talk Dirty”
KIESZA – “Hideaway”

Now I’m not sure whether Sia was having a demon exorcised out of her, a massive seizure, or a four minute long sexual release, but frankly she had a ton of awesome choreography in her video. She deserved it.

Who should have won: Michael Jackson. Need I even explain why?

 

Best Direction:
DJ Snake & Lil Jon – “Turn Down For What”
OK Go – “The Writing’s On the Wall”
Miley Cyrus – “Wrecking Ball”
Beyonce – “Pretty Hurts”
Eminem ft. Rihanna – “The Monster”

“Turn Down for What” won. Do I even have to elaborate on what’s wrong with this?

Who should have won: OK GO. Do you realize the amount of work it took to direct that video?

 

Best Art Direction:
DJ Snake & Lil Jon – “Turn Down For What”
Iggy Azalea ft. Charli XCX – “Fancy”
Eminem – “Rap God”
Arcade Fire – “Reflektor”
Tyler, The Creator – “Tamale”

Sorry Arcade Fire, but your “oversized scary mask” shtick was already done by Slipknot in their Psychosocial video six years ago.

Who should have one: Frankly, I would have been happy with either  Reflektor, Rap God, or Tamale. Lil Jon and Iggy, get out of this category.

 

Best Visual Effects:
DJ Snake & Lil Jon – “Turn Down For What”
OK Go – “The Writing’s On the Wall”
Disclosure – “Grab Her!”
Eminem – “Rap God”
Jack White – “Lazaretto”

I’m pretty sure that 99% of OK GO’s video was practical effects. In fact, there’s a video showing how they did it.

Who should have won: Lazaretto. Because like any Jack White-affiliated music video, it’s simple, sweet, and just really cool.